Ask Miss Karen

Below are  a couple of samples questions that many parents have for preschool teachers:

Dear Miss Karen,

My child Belle-Aurora is obsessed with the Disney Princesses.

While part of me can not help but admire how ruthlessly Disney seems to understand and appeal to children, the Princesses are everywhere - clothing, books, games, stuff - and unavoidable.

Should I worry that my 4 year old daughter is absorbing the message of "one day my prince will come and rescue me"?

Dear Rescue Me,

Children at three and four years of age are developing a sense of self identity. At two, a child barely knows Mom is a separate entity, at 3 they are very aware they are a separate entity and role playing, favorite foods, colors etc. all become part of identity building. At four, obsession over role playing should be giving way to a good sense of self as a unique person. Unfortunately, in our highly commercialized and media driven society, a child who is over inundated with powerful commercial images sometimes loses a real sense of self and can assume inappropriate roles when overexposed.

Media for young children can and should be controlled by parents, both for content and quantity. Some Disney, T.V., or princess input is O.K. and keeps the princess identity from becoming the forbidden fruit. However, immersion and saturation in Disney, princess, etc. is not healthy and doesn't reflect real life. I would suggest that you limit viewing princess shows to once or twice a week and introduce alternate story lines to your child. Consider media on the same basis that you would a healthy diet for the mind. You can't have chips and cookies all the time. Those are treats, not sustenance. Teach your child to choose mind food as wisely as you would food for their body. A few treats are O.K., nothing but treats isn't good for you.

How do you get your princess to acquire new tastes in mind food? Turn off the T.V. and go to the park, or get out the play dough, or play games together. Young children should only be exposed to a very limited amount of video input including T.V., movies and video games. They are addictive to children, promote shortened attention spans, and create a reality for children not based in the real world. I would recommend no more than an hour a day of carefully chosen material. Also, read books that don't have princesses in them that are good books so she can broaden her horizons. Make up silly stories together in the car and in waiting rooms that don't have rescue themes for dependent damsel's. Find children's books that portray girls as heroes and problem solvers and help her see herself in those roles.

When she begs for another princess outfit, help her to make wise choices. "You already have two princess dresses at home. If you'd like to have another dress up, it needs to be something besides princess." If she chooses to stick to her two dresses at home, let her. Just continue to say no to new outfits along the princess theme, or any other themes you may see as undesirable. Learning to practice restraint and to value what is already in the closet are not bad virtues to instill in a young child.

Miss Karen

Dear Miss Karen,

Every time my 3 year old son and his friend, also 3, get together, the play date ends in a fight or tears or a fight and tears. Sometimes it starts with a simple disagreement of the "yes it is, no it isn't" variety. Sometimes one teases the other (they are good about taking turns here). And then very quickly it escalates into pushing and hitting.

We keep a very close watch on them but they can't seem to help being provoked, what can we do?

Dear Close Watch,

By all means, continue to keep a close watch. Three year olds do not have the experience to interact successfully without adults close by to teach them the hardcore ins and outs of socializing. You must teach your children the rules of successful play, or they will be set up to fail for lack of training in the social graces. As they enter associative play modes around three, it is the time to begin their induction into appropriate social behaviors. They must literally be taught every nuance from scratch, including the precise words and actions to use in a large variety of instances.

However, there are a couple of caveats to ask about first. One, are they truly friends? Or are you friends with the other child's parents and so your children frequently end up together by default? Children, just like adults, can have personality clashes. If you have two children who are both strong willed, and who don't really care for each other enough to compromise during play, then you may need to wait until they are older for them to gain the social skills needed to get along. Caveat number two; sometimes two children can develop a love/hate relationship that mimics a sibling relationship more than a friendship. For a three year old child, too much exposure to a conflict laden relationship, just as they are learning to have relationships, isn't always a good thing. You may want to limit their exposure to the other child and help your child find more amenable companions until they are older. Otherwise, conflict can become habitual to the way they interact with others if a rocky relationship is the basis for their social development at this crux age.

If neither caveat applies, then we are down to two young children that need some practical hands-on instruction on how to interact successfully. This means that you need to be in the same room and ready to intervene at each conflict with the "to do" guidelines for resolving conflicts. First you must ask why they are hitting. "He took my truck!" Give the truck back to the injured party and say to the hitter., "If you want the truck you need to say to him "Can I see the truck?" The injured party will of course say no. Turn to the hitter. and say "He's not done with it, you need to say "Can I have it when your done?" The injured party will most likely say yes, and if they say no, then you say "But you'll be done with it!"

In other words, literally show them step by step the phrases to say and the actions to go through with each other to successfully resolve their own conflict. Three year old children do not have these simple phrases available yet. Their language skills are still very immature and they have no frame of reference for social situations. A three year old will run through the block tower his friend spent so much time building thinking that's how you ask to play, and of course his friend then hits him for wrecking his tower. Take the time to teach your three year olds how and when to say "Can I play", "Do you want to play with me?", "Stop it, I don't like it", "Move please", and all the other small phrases and actions that help children interact.

One more factor may play in. If one of the three year olds is experiencing a speech delay, the speech delay may aggravate conflicts because the child's words are not being understood. Children who experience speech delays as they begin to enter associative play modes tend to go one of two ways. Either they withdraw and stop interacting, or they become aggressive and resort to aggression as a means of resolving social conflict. Neither scenario is good for the child. If you suspect a child is suffering form a speech delay, then having them screened and treated becomes an important intervention that avoids potentially serious issues impacting their future self esteem and social success.

Miss Karen